So, as you can tell from the prior drama things took a bit of a detour. Here is where we stand
The GC's cycle is not "regular" so the timing that the doctors were thinking was a little off. This process has been very long and very slow. Its worse then watching paint dry. If i could equate it to something, i would say that it is like staring up at a starless night with heavy clouds and you are in a land that it is perpetually night. You stare at something, but dont get any satisfaction looking at it because it becomes bland. You almost become numb with boredom waiting for something to happen. Dont take it the wrong way. I am not bored at all in my day to day life. I am just talking about waiting for the egg transfer to happen. Anyway, i digressed....
It turned out that the GC was not pregnant and that her cycle was just late. I can say that i have become much more comfortable in understanding a person's menstrual cycle and discussing it. So we recieved a text from GC earlier saying that she had started and that she is going for blood work on Friday and it looks like the transfer date is going to be moved from February 10th to around the 20th. Sounds funny that all of that stress was just over a 10 day delay, but sometimes 10 days could seem like a lifetime.
I have noticed that now that we are getting closer to the actual date, my anxiety over the entire process has started creeping its way into my everyday life. I notice that when you get that 'finger in the belly button" feeling (Anxious and a little nauseous) that my responses to it have not always been appropriate with what is going on. As a way of relaxation and enjoyment I look into different groups of people across the world and across time. I watched this youtube video on martial arts. It wasnt the punch like this, kick like that type of video. It went into more into the artistic side of it. The message that they were really discussing was a state of mind called "mind like water". I am really paraphrasing the message of the story and over simplifying it but the premise was when everything is calm your mind should be calm like still water on a lake. If someone throws a pebble in the water, the water acts as its supposed to. It takes the impact of the pebble and you see the appropriate sized ripples spread across the water gently until the water goes back to its calm state. If you take a bolder and push it off a cliff into the lake, your mind should respond with size appropriate ripples. Although we would have preferred that the boulder not fall into our lake, our mind however responded appropriately for the situation. What was going on with me was more of "mind like cannon". Let me give you an example of what it means. There is a fly 3 feet from you standing on a table. The table top has glue on it, so the fly is unable to get away. The fly in this case represents the possible subtle situation that arises during the day. I see this fly and i am going to take something out to rid myself and this world of this troublesome fly. After all, that fly has caused me to not feel ok. I have just the to beat this fly back, it helped me last week when I had to work my tail off at work to be awarded this project at work. I reach into my bag and pull out a canon. This canon is 5 feet long and shoots a canon ball that weighs up to 10 lbs and shoots it at over 200 MPH. I take said canon and point it at this fly only 3 feet from me and on my table what happens to be covered with this hypothetical glue. Seeing nothing wrong with this, i light the fuse, plug my ears and watch the entire room that i am in get destroyed. I look up, and for a moment i am happy and quite content in seeing that i accomplished my goal. Its not until afterwards that I realize destroyed everything around me. As i realize this i look at my feet and see a rolled up newspaper. Then i realize that my mind was not like water.
The actual event that happened came right after i was feeling anxious about the whole baby thing. I am nervous that she may back out. that she might not want to give the baby up after she does deliver. That something could go wrong during the pregnancy. There could be a complication with one of the embryos. This whole process is so expensive, what happens if we do not end up with a new baby/babies. Now that i have spent all of this money, i just pushed retirement back a good 3 years. I am now going to have to save more each month for college.... and on and on and on.
When i am getting this rush of feelings, i should have either excused myself so i could spend a few minutes to process them or agree with myself to put them in a folder place them down for now and I will come back to it later tonight when the time is appropriate. I didn't do that. I used a canon. And the canon was my mouth and brain. A work situation popped up that was a 6 on a 10 point scale of "this is not good". Someone had messed up internally and effected a customer of mine. They clearly stated their disapproval and i had to go into damage control. I was already mentally burdened with all of these thoughts when I received the phone call. I got off the phone and stated making internal calls to find out what failed internally to cause this to happen. it didnt take long to unwind the mess and i found the source of the breakdown. Yes the person made a mistake, yes she makes these mistakes regularly. I have already had her reassigned to another project. My handling of the situation was not very good. I embarrassed her when i took out all of the 'no ok' feelings. i realized my error within a few hours and called to apologize for my handling of the situation. She said it was ok, but that wasn't the truth. People make mistakes, hers was not intentional, but it was a mistake none the less. It caused a service interruption at one of my major accounts, but it did not deserve me embarrassing her.
Its ok to feel not ok, but you have to make sure that your response is appropriate to the situation. Easily, i could have waited a few minutes and remove the emotion from the situation, but i didnt. Tomorrow I am going to do it better, and better still the day after that. If ever i fail again at it, i have to acknowledge it and take the appropriate steps for correction. I'm tired and going to bed now.
ps. i really do hope that this process is safe for the gc that we are using. she is such a sweet person for even considering it. I realize that she is paid to do this, but come on, the money cant be the only thing. God if you could look out for her and her family i would be grateful.
The GC's cycle is not "regular" so the timing that the doctors were thinking was a little off. This process has been very long and very slow. Its worse then watching paint dry. If i could equate it to something, i would say that it is like staring up at a starless night with heavy clouds and you are in a land that it is perpetually night. You stare at something, but dont get any satisfaction looking at it because it becomes bland. You almost become numb with boredom waiting for something to happen. Dont take it the wrong way. I am not bored at all in my day to day life. I am just talking about waiting for the egg transfer to happen. Anyway, i digressed....
It turned out that the GC was not pregnant and that her cycle was just late. I can say that i have become much more comfortable in understanding a person's menstrual cycle and discussing it. So we recieved a text from GC earlier saying that she had started and that she is going for blood work on Friday and it looks like the transfer date is going to be moved from February 10th to around the 20th. Sounds funny that all of that stress was just over a 10 day delay, but sometimes 10 days could seem like a lifetime.
I have noticed that now that we are getting closer to the actual date, my anxiety over the entire process has started creeping its way into my everyday life. I notice that when you get that 'finger in the belly button" feeling (Anxious and a little nauseous) that my responses to it have not always been appropriate with what is going on. As a way of relaxation and enjoyment I look into different groups of people across the world and across time. I watched this youtube video on martial arts. It wasnt the punch like this, kick like that type of video. It went into more into the artistic side of it. The message that they were really discussing was a state of mind called "mind like water". I am really paraphrasing the message of the story and over simplifying it but the premise was when everything is calm your mind should be calm like still water on a lake. If someone throws a pebble in the water, the water acts as its supposed to. It takes the impact of the pebble and you see the appropriate sized ripples spread across the water gently until the water goes back to its calm state. If you take a bolder and push it off a cliff into the lake, your mind should respond with size appropriate ripples. Although we would have preferred that the boulder not fall into our lake, our mind however responded appropriately for the situation. What was going on with me was more of "mind like cannon". Let me give you an example of what it means. There is a fly 3 feet from you standing on a table. The table top has glue on it, so the fly is unable to get away. The fly in this case represents the possible subtle situation that arises during the day. I see this fly and i am going to take something out to rid myself and this world of this troublesome fly. After all, that fly has caused me to not feel ok. I have just the to beat this fly back, it helped me last week when I had to work my tail off at work to be awarded this project at work. I reach into my bag and pull out a canon. This canon is 5 feet long and shoots a canon ball that weighs up to 10 lbs and shoots it at over 200 MPH. I take said canon and point it at this fly only 3 feet from me and on my table what happens to be covered with this hypothetical glue. Seeing nothing wrong with this, i light the fuse, plug my ears and watch the entire room that i am in get destroyed. I look up, and for a moment i am happy and quite content in seeing that i accomplished my goal. Its not until afterwards that I realize destroyed everything around me. As i realize this i look at my feet and see a rolled up newspaper. Then i realize that my mind was not like water.
The actual event that happened came right after i was feeling anxious about the whole baby thing. I am nervous that she may back out. that she might not want to give the baby up after she does deliver. That something could go wrong during the pregnancy. There could be a complication with one of the embryos. This whole process is so expensive, what happens if we do not end up with a new baby/babies. Now that i have spent all of this money, i just pushed retirement back a good 3 years. I am now going to have to save more each month for college.... and on and on and on.
When i am getting this rush of feelings, i should have either excused myself so i could spend a few minutes to process them or agree with myself to put them in a folder place them down for now and I will come back to it later tonight when the time is appropriate. I didn't do that. I used a canon. And the canon was my mouth and brain. A work situation popped up that was a 6 on a 10 point scale of "this is not good". Someone had messed up internally and effected a customer of mine. They clearly stated their disapproval and i had to go into damage control. I was already mentally burdened with all of these thoughts when I received the phone call. I got off the phone and stated making internal calls to find out what failed internally to cause this to happen. it didnt take long to unwind the mess and i found the source of the breakdown. Yes the person made a mistake, yes she makes these mistakes regularly. I have already had her reassigned to another project. My handling of the situation was not very good. I embarrassed her when i took out all of the 'no ok' feelings. i realized my error within a few hours and called to apologize for my handling of the situation. She said it was ok, but that wasn't the truth. People make mistakes, hers was not intentional, but it was a mistake none the less. It caused a service interruption at one of my major accounts, but it did not deserve me embarrassing her.
Its ok to feel not ok, but you have to make sure that your response is appropriate to the situation. Easily, i could have waited a few minutes and remove the emotion from the situation, but i didnt. Tomorrow I am going to do it better, and better still the day after that. If ever i fail again at it, i have to acknowledge it and take the appropriate steps for correction. I'm tired and going to bed now.
ps. i really do hope that this process is safe for the gc that we are using. she is such a sweet person for even considering it. I realize that she is paid to do this, but come on, the money cant be the only thing. God if you could look out for her and her family i would be grateful.
