Some big decisions

So I was talking with a friend today about this whole blog thing that I have been doing. I was sharing with him that I have had this interal battle raging inside of me about what to share on here and what to hide or just fail to mention. He b. fought up a very good point when he asked me about what I am wr icing it for and do I ever expect the potential future child to read it. Good question........... I don't know. The truth is that I am filled with self doubt about this decision. I want another child soooo badly I am willing to go to the ends of the earth. I know that in my heart that I will be a terrific role model for my children and fell that I would raise the child right. BUT, I am really fritened about putting myself out there again, and get hurt....again. When we first started the fertility thing a few years ago I could not understand how someone could walk away from the possibility of having a kid. I told myself that I would tough it out for as long as it takes. Sign me up for what ever gets us a kid. By the end, I felt that my wife and I were in a sense....... broken. No matter how much we loved each other and continue to try, it wasn't in the cards for us. It broke my heart time and time again. I felt bad for my wife, my son and me. From that I grew to try and accept the fact that we were on,y going to be able to have 1 kid. So now the papers have been signed, we gave a check to the lawyer. We are ready to start this process. TOTAL INVESTMENT: $ 475 consultation, $5,100 lawyer fees.

Taking a deep breath

I am having some difficulty finding out when his process really starts. We have a meeting scheduled with our layer and her team on Wednesday. At this meeting we are going to discuss the fees, open up escrow, and discuss our answers to the questionnaire that we filled out. This was not your typical q&a. It forces you to put your choices in black and white. Most of the questions are ones that you would love to pass on if you are in any type of social setting. It comes straight out and asks you about your preferences for race and religion of the carrier. It also has multiple questions on terminating a pregnancy under a few different scenarios, and your felleings on selective reduction. Opinions are very easy to have and typically they don't cost you anything. But in this case it could impact the cioion of a gestational carrier choosing my wife and I. So i am guessing that a potention GC is going to review our submit tall package and decide if this is someone that they might be interested in. I would be lying if I said that I did not at least think about how someone reading our responses might react. Ultimately we put down our beliefs in a clear, non emotional way that described what we wou,d do under certain circumstances around the three trimesters and what we would do in cases when the health of the GC is in jeopardy. Or, if there is a health risk to the fetus. I really did not like spelling that out, but we did as we were told. I have shared my opinions on the whole right to choose issue before, but I have never put. It into an official document for people to see and judge me based on that opinion. It was a lot more tormenting that I thought that it would be. Right now I am in a position that I think that we will be picked by a few potentional GC's, I just still have doubts about this whole thing working out and having a baby at the end. Fertility has taken a tole on me and it is hard not to feel snake bitten. On my week off from work I have really gotten very excited about starting this and feel like I am jumping in with both feet, with out looking what is below me. As long as I am molding my wifes hand and my son in my arms when we land, we will get through it.