Getting ready, to get ready and wait

Michele and I are anxiously waiting the 10th of february because that is the date that we are scheduled to do the transfer to the GC.  Communication continues to be a little "strange"  Its not the GC and its not us, but surprisingly it is a strange set up.  THe GC that we have chosen is an extremely nice, personable and seemingly honest woman.  She has a family of her own.  She communicates rather well with my wife. (she really doesn't come to me for anything.  If need be i could go through all of the "girl" stuff with her and discuss the cycle and either the thickening or thinning of what ever it is.  But, thankfully my wife has assumed that role.

so, while i was working from home today, Michele came down and was clearly upset.  she told me that our GC was not doing well with the medications.  (She had started the shots a were or so back).  Michele said that during her Dr.'s apt. that the Dr. said that her utters (<------- damn auto correct, but its funny so i am keeping it) was too thick and that she never had her period this month.  Well, i guess that its kind of stocking, but what did it really mean is what i was wondering.  Well, Michele mentioned that the GC had to take a pregnancy test to make sure that she (the GC) was not already pregnant.  Hello! I never thought of that possibility.  What happens is she gets pregnant on her own and cant go through with this.  The time that we have spent, the money, the emotional cost.......i never thought that it could happen.  While we talked about it for the next few minutes, Michele shared with me the texts that were going back and forth between her (Michele) and the GC.  Now, i must admit i felt much better after reading those.  THe GC seems really trustworthy (as much as you can tell from meeting someone 5 or so times) and she assured us that she is not pregnant because her and her husband have "stayed away from each other".  which would have been a really funny conversation if they had it face to face because you are talking about your sex life in front of someone that you hardly know.  My mind could go to a thousand places thinking about how she would say..... never mind, i'm going to keep going.
So, continuing.  During this time a rep from our fertility dr's. called and said that it is possible that she never actually had her period and that if that is true then we would have to wait for her to have it before we could move forward.  Naturally, Michele asked the standard follow up question."didn't you (the dr's) know that she never had her period?"  "why would you start her on the medication if she never had it?"  So, right now we have the GC, Michele, our fertility Dr. and the fertility clinic local to the GC, our attorney and the GC's attorney(6 parties) and I cant help but wonder if this process is really being managed by anyone?  With all of these people involved there is no way that someone can control the situation where things like this would not happen.  

As I am writing this, I am completely calm with a full understanding the process that we have chosen we have to let it run its course.  The parts that Michele and I can control are finished.  From here out we have to be patient, supportive (to one another, and to the GC and her family).  But, its not easy.  On the outside I am a very laid back person, but inside i am tortured with pressures, imaginary obligations, and a desire to want to control everything around me.  I am not sure if i had mentioned this, but I am Obsessive compulsive.  Not the ha ha funny type where people kid with their friends and say "OMG, I am totally OCD".  I am the not so fun type.  I have had to count internally, touch things, not touch things, say things, not say things, etc. for no apparent reason.  Thinking that if i did, i could prevent the world from ending and those closest to me from being hurt.  I have been in therapy for it for a few years now and i do get to avoid the majority of the 'ticks', but they do pop up every once and while.  While initially my mind was ok with the news that we heard today.  It wasn't until afterwards that i noticed that i was acting differently than i usually do.  When i realized that the path that we are on does not come with a directions, a map, airbags, parachute, anything to show us how this is going to happen.  All anyone talks about is how it 'should' happen.  But, being at the point that we are right now, we seem to always be in the 'don't worry about that, because it never happens column.  There are exactly 3 hours and 40 minutes left in this day and i am finding myself thinking about what the pregnancy test results will be tomorrow.  If she did get pregnant on her own I am going to be very disappointed and feel kicked in the gut again.  But, I cant help but think that I believe in my wife and I.  We are good people.  There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to rid ourselves of this ball and chain of infertility and we'll have another kid.  I believe in our GC and that someone up above is going to throw us a bone.      

Its been a while...

SO as of right now, we are about 3 weeks away from completing the egg transfer to the GC.  Right now i am struggling with the decision of placing one or two eggs into her.  My wife and I talk about it and we usually walk away saying that we will talk about it later, but when is later going to actually happen?  I wish i was a person who could make a decision based on black and white data, but im not.  A lot of my decisions and judgements are done with others in mind.  And sometimes pleasing the others  is more important than making the decision that i want.  Hmmmm. interesting that i write about this when we ar making this decision.  Mt wife and I have been on the same page when it comes to it.  We want to put in two.  So its not like i am holding a resentment, or am afraid to say i only want one...... i guess that its because i am reserving a spot in mind mind to say that i told you so.  sorry for what seems like rambling , but i just realized that as i was writing it.  I tend to do that a lot.  I sometime pretend to take the other persons view because i want to reserve a spot to back out later and say well, it wasn't my idea anyway..... hmmmm.  not a therapist, but that doesn't sound good.  I need to talk to her about that one.

without a doubt the single largest expense that we have had to date is the emotional toll that this has taken.  we met with the GC and her husband a few months back and they were terrific people.  They are younger than we are (early 20's, vs. 37 for both of us).  we clicked really well when we met at the airport and at the doctors offices.  we went out to dinner afterward and sat and talked for close to two hours on topics like , our current families, our upbringing, what we want to do, what we are doing, what's important to us, etc.  Afterward i took them back to the airport and they flew home.  its been about two months that we have been waiting to get this transfer set up.  And, no matter how many times that you try to pretend that it is not a big deal, i still don't know how to react to things with the GC.  my wife sends off a funny email asking some routine questions and they don't answer.  then randomly a week or so later they send an email about a totally different topic, and never even mention the first email.  we don't want to be confrontational and say that "we are hanging onto every second waiting for a response to make sure that you don't want to back out on us" but we cant.  I try and tell my wife not to worry, but the truth is, i worry about it.  I have already dealt with the "loss" of thinking that i would never have another child.  I opened that up again and i am really quite gun shy right now.  I dont like taking risks (even though others would tell you that i do) I don't.  I am scared right now.