Getting ready, to get ready and wait

Michele and I are anxiously waiting the 10th of february because that is the date that we are scheduled to do the transfer to the GC.  Communication continues to be a little "strange"  Its not the GC and its not us, but surprisingly it is a strange set up.  THe GC that we have chosen is an extremely nice, personable and seemingly honest woman.  She has a family of her own.  She communicates rather well with my wife. (she really doesn't come to me for anything.  If need be i could go through all of the "girl" stuff with her and discuss the cycle and either the thickening or thinning of what ever it is.  But, thankfully my wife has assumed that role.

so, while i was working from home today, Michele came down and was clearly upset.  she told me that our GC was not doing well with the medications.  (She had started the shots a were or so back).  Michele said that during her Dr.'s apt. that the Dr. said that her utters (<------- damn auto correct, but its funny so i am keeping it) was too thick and that she never had her period this month.  Well, i guess that its kind of stocking, but what did it really mean is what i was wondering.  Well, Michele mentioned that the GC had to take a pregnancy test to make sure that she (the GC) was not already pregnant.  Hello! I never thought of that possibility.  What happens is she gets pregnant on her own and cant go through with this.  The time that we have spent, the money, the emotional cost.......i never thought that it could happen.  While we talked about it for the next few minutes, Michele shared with me the texts that were going back and forth between her (Michele) and the GC.  Now, i must admit i felt much better after reading those.  THe GC seems really trustworthy (as much as you can tell from meeting someone 5 or so times) and she assured us that she is not pregnant because her and her husband have "stayed away from each other".  which would have been a really funny conversation if they had it face to face because you are talking about your sex life in front of someone that you hardly know.  My mind could go to a thousand places thinking about how she would say..... never mind, i'm going to keep going.
So, continuing.  During this time a rep from our fertility dr's. called and said that it is possible that she never actually had her period and that if that is true then we would have to wait for her to have it before we could move forward.  Naturally, Michele asked the standard follow up question."didn't you (the dr's) know that she never had her period?"  "why would you start her on the medication if she never had it?"  So, right now we have the GC, Michele, our fertility Dr. and the fertility clinic local to the GC, our attorney and the GC's attorney(6 parties) and I cant help but wonder if this process is really being managed by anyone?  With all of these people involved there is no way that someone can control the situation where things like this would not happen.  

As I am writing this, I am completely calm with a full understanding the process that we have chosen we have to let it run its course.  The parts that Michele and I can control are finished.  From here out we have to be patient, supportive (to one another, and to the GC and her family).  But, its not easy.  On the outside I am a very laid back person, but inside i am tortured with pressures, imaginary obligations, and a desire to want to control everything around me.  I am not sure if i had mentioned this, but I am Obsessive compulsive.  Not the ha ha funny type where people kid with their friends and say "OMG, I am totally OCD".  I am the not so fun type.  I have had to count internally, touch things, not touch things, say things, not say things, etc. for no apparent reason.  Thinking that if i did, i could prevent the world from ending and those closest to me from being hurt.  I have been in therapy for it for a few years now and i do get to avoid the majority of the 'ticks', but they do pop up every once and while.  While initially my mind was ok with the news that we heard today.  It wasn't until afterwards that i noticed that i was acting differently than i usually do.  When i realized that the path that we are on does not come with a directions, a map, airbags, parachute, anything to show us how this is going to happen.  All anyone talks about is how it 'should' happen.  But, being at the point that we are right now, we seem to always be in the 'don't worry about that, because it never happens column.  There are exactly 3 hours and 40 minutes left in this day and i am finding myself thinking about what the pregnancy test results will be tomorrow.  If she did get pregnant on her own I am going to be very disappointed and feel kicked in the gut again.  But, I cant help but think that I believe in my wife and I.  We are good people.  There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to rid ourselves of this ball and chain of infertility and we'll have another kid.  I believe in our GC and that someone up above is going to throw us a bone.      

Money-Paperwork-Money-Questions-more money

It has taken us about 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments for us to get to where we are today.  We have had several miscarriages, one after the first trimester (which I'll talk about later).  We also had to go through a D&C http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/dandc.html (to prove how much terminology gets thrown at you, until just now i thought that it was pronounced "DNC").

Before we go too far, the money has to be addressed.  Once we realized that using a gestational carrier may be an option, I have been looking at the costs for moving ahead.  There is the $ expense that is first and foremost, but also the total "costs" of moving ahead.  We will go into the non monetary costs at a latter date, as i am sure that those feeling will continue to simmer.  My wife and I have two totally different perspectives when it comes to the price tag.  When we look through the paperwork and talk to people she see's the costs in the $30,000-$40,000 range.  I on the other hand feel that at a minimum this is going to cost $100,000 - $130,000.  That is a
RIDICULIOUS amount of money!  My average salary and commissions over the past 5 years have been in that range.  There were years that I made considerable more, and years that I made on the low end.  I felt that is important to put that information forward since it is basically my entire years pay! Oh, by the way, we may have nothing to show for it.  At the end of this process, we could spend every dime that we have, make every right decision, have the perfect carrier, and still HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!

In this blog I will outline the dollars and cents that we spend.  Starting with the $495 consultation to our attorney for the set up of our account and to go through the paperwork that we have been filling out.  So, right now, I am keeping the total spend at $0 until after this meeting.

In preparation for this meeting, Michele and I have to to write (separately) a one page letter to a perspective gestational carriers describing ourselves.  We are to talk about our home situation, what we enjoy to do, and what we do for a living.  I have no idea what these people are looking for.  I don't want to come off too clinical and cold and turn someone off, nor do I want to look like a idiot and turn someone off that way also.  The part that is causing me the most stress is the section that describes the type of relationship that I want withe the gestational carrier.  I have written this thing three times already and I am about to start the 4th.  The first one was really ho hum I want to be involved, but not too involved, there but not, supportive and stand offish...  Not what I was looking for and sounded just plain silly.  The second attempt was waaayyyy too forceful.  I was trying to come off like I was able to make decisions and could be a rock for the person.  The third one I actually asked the opinion of the man sitting next to me while I was getting new tires installed on my car.  I slowly turned and looked at him and said "If your wife was going to carry my baby, how would you want........"  I didnt get any further when I stopped myself and in an attempt to show this man that I am not a psychopath.  This man knows none of my back story and now, I just talked to him about his wife carrying our child.